The Accidental Trad Wife

Redundancy, reflection and rebellion

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  • Day 42: An interview with a husband

    It’s the final day

    How has this come around so quickly? I have lots of thoughts, feelings and learnings to share. But I’ll leave that to a final round up post tomorrow, maybe Tuesday. Today, I’ll finally introduce you to my nameless husband. We sat down on the sofa and I interviewed him on his thoughts of the experiment. Here’s what he has to say.

    Photo by Jorge Zapata on Pexels.com

    What was your favourite meal? I don’t know, I can’t remember what happened earlier today. But probably freshly cooked pasta.

    Who’s the better cleaner out of us? Me. Genuinely though, we both have our strengths. But the second you get a job, you’ll stop the same level of cleaning. I’ll go back to doing more after work, I find it relaxing, you don’t.

    Is there anything you’d like to continue into our ‘normal’ lives? It would depend on what you do for work. I wouldn’t expect you to do something that just benefits me. Having a lovely home and freshly cooked meal has been great, but I couldn’t expect you to continue doing it. But we are happier with that lifted stress. When you get another job I think we should get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week.

    Has anything surprised you? I don’t think it’s changed anything about us. Did you think it would? Yeah, I guess so, as you’ve got someone doing more for you. As nice as it is coming home to a nice home and having things done for you, it feels a lot like living at home with your parents, the bed would be made and dinner cooked for you, it was all just done. But as an adult you have to do it yourself and it’s time and effort, and not fun and enjoyable for most people. You get used to it, and I think we got used to this.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    What have you liked the most? You’ve seemed happier.

    What have you liked the least? I don’t like doing joint washing. It might be because I think I’m on the spectrum. But I think that when I do my washing, I know I’ve got everything I want when I want it, but when it’s joint it just goes more in order. Also, you changed the tog on the duvet too early!

    Did you learn anything new about me? I don’t think I necessarily learnt anything new, but it’s interesting when we’ve had conversations about what you want to do next, I was surprised by what you’ve said. As you’ve been so career driven and focussed, I was surprised that one bump in the road would make you reconsider your employment so much. But I guess it’s not until you’re faced with adversity that you think about why you’re doing something, and step back. It can be like a sunken cost fallacy, where you’re so far into a career you feel like you can’t stop pursuing it.

    Has this shifted your views on Trad Lifestyles at all? No. I’ve always thought there was a place for them. Women should have the choice of what they want to do, but no woman should be looked down on if their choice is to stay at home as a wife, or homemaker. And there’s nothing wrong with a man who wants to be a provider either. Marriage is important, it provides certain protections and support. I don’t see any negatives to marriage, as you know when you’ve found your person. I would have been fine if you didn’t want to get married and I’d have still stayed with you, but marriage is important to me and something I wanted. It’s a nice way to show commitment. People give a lot of reasons for not wanting to get married, but for me, if you’re saying someone’s the one, marry them. Marriage doesn’t need to be a 50k party. Don’t spend more than you can, don’t bow down to social media pressures, just do what feels right for you.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    Is our marriage better, or worse, for the experiment? I don’t think you can base this on 6 weeks, when marriage is meant to be for a lifetime. The only thing I’ll say, is it’s made parts of my life easier, but marriage isn’t about one side.

    Would you recommend this experiment to any other couples? There’s a lot of dependencies to be able to do something like this, kids, dogs, commitments. We have been very lucky that we’ve been able to do this financially. If someone else was in the same position as us, there would be nothing wrong with trying it. I think this is also quite specific to us, as you’ve been career focussed, and never wanted this lifestyle.

    How would you rate me as a Trad Wife? Cooking: 10, Cleaning: 9, Listening to me rather than talking at me: 9, Happy mood and demeanour: 10, Making my life easier: 10, Looking Trad and caring more about your appearance: 5

    Do you have any questions for me?

    After interviewing my husband for an hour, I gave him the chance to ask me some questions. Here’s what I had to say.

    Have you noticed any changes in me? You definitely seem happier, and you’re less stressed. I think you like having a nice home and nice dinner and those kinds of perks. But really, I think it’s because you don’t have to take on my emotional baggage every day. I don’t finish work and insist on being immediately taken out for a glass of wine to moan at you before you’ve even taken your shoes off.

    Would you trade our DINK lifestyle for a happier but less glamourous SINK lifestyle? It’s hard to know, I’ve still got money coming in, so I don’t know what it would be like if I didn’t have my own money. But yeah, probably, as long as we had enough money to allow for luxuries . What do you count as luxuries? Meals out, holidays, being able to do things at the spur of the moment. Not worrying about food costs and having to eat boring meals. There’s an element of swapping work stress to financial stress isn’t there? Absolutely.

    Photo by Nadin Sh on Pexels.com

    Final thoughts

    I asked my husband for his final thoughts on having a good marriage:

    “Look at your marriage as a life, not just a term. In the world at the moment, things are seen as disposable, like throwing away your old phone as soon as a new one comes in. If you have a health issue, you’d see a doctor to address the issue. You should do the same for any issue. Divorce is an easy option when things are tough, but often problems can be solved. You need to say when you’re wrong, act like adults and work through things. Be receptive to criticism. It’s not always easy.”

    Answers like this are why I love him.

    The Final Trad Wife round up:

    Rating of my husband: 9.8/10
    View on Trad lifestyles: Changed
    Plans for my future: Uncertain
    Hours spent cooking and cleaning during this experiment: 40 hours a week/full time work that

  • Day 41: I’m not aiming for perfection

    “Oh my god, I’ve not written my blog!” 

    It’s 10:30 on the penultimate day, and bar a couple of migraines I’d so nearly managed this challenge. I nearly wrote every day for six weeks. 

    Rather than writing something today, I’m going to cuddle with my husband, drink Sauvignon and watch The Office. I’m happy with this. 

  • Day 40: Old colleagues, old routine

    Routine (again)

    Awake, kiss at the door, Monster, Duolingo. This sounds much like yesterday. 

    Clean kitchen, clean bathroom, put a load of washing on. This also sounds much like yesterday. 

    I don’t mind the routine at all, I may go as far as to say I like it. I definitely prefer it to my old routine: wake up, shower, open laptop in bed while doing skincare, answer last night’s emails, try to work out a space to have a lunch break, move to lounge, answer an ad-hoc phonecall with hair still wet, send a happy gif on Teams, look at the 25 browser tabs I have open and try to remember what’s most important to start with, get another ad-hoc phone call, stare blankly at a PowerPoint I’ve made for some initiative that I’ll have to talk through at a meeting with no one really listening, reply to Teams messages, stare blankly at an Excel document…then 9am hits and the first of at least seven meetings begin. Fuck. 

    Writing that down makes it seem awful. Maybe it was, but it didn’t feel it, I loved my job. But who really wants to do that? Staying in Trad Wifery is very appealing. I’m bringing love and warmth to the home. That’s appealing. I still get it. I really didn’t think my views would change so much. 

    After the cleaning and reflection on life, I got ready to go out and meet some old colleagues.

    Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

    Have I killed their dream? 

    One of my old colleagues from three companies ago messaged me a while back and we are meeting for a drink and chat this afternoon. She said she and another old colleague wanted to pick my brain about digital learning futures. I hoped I wasn’t too out of practice.

    We met, hugged and caught up about how all of our lives had both changed and stayed exactly the same over the last six years.

    After the standard catch up, I expected them to explain what new idea or change they needed help with. But they said, “We’re starting a business in e-learning”. I asked about their USP, planned costs, and target market. They were unsure. They have a company name and logo though. 

    The conversation was nice, I gave them advice about different technology, competitors to research and courses to improve their skills. For context, not arrogance, I’ve been in digital learning for over a decade, they’ve been dabbling on and off since I left that employer six years ago. Towards the end, they asked me if their idea was worth pursuing. I answered as nicely as I could “There’s a reason I’m not doing it.” It’s AI, AI is often the reason now. 

    I felt I’d put a dampener on their dream.

    I never said “Don’t do it!”, or “That’s an awful idea.” Just, it has an end date, and it’s on the horizon. 

    We caught up a bit more socially, then I wandered back home, stopping in at Tesco to pick up some bits for dinner. 

    I could tell they wanted to be out of the stress of work. But not everyone has the privilege of choosing a Trad life. 

    Photo by Elina Sazonova on Pexels.com

    Sausage and mash is always good

    I got home and my husband was already back, an hour or so earlier than usual. We chatted for a bit while he was designing a new road network on the game he’s currently playing. He’d had a hard day, his job today isn’t as secure as it was yesterday. The new budget is looming. 

    I made us Yorkshire puddings, sausage, mash and broccoli. Sometimes comfort food is the answer. 

    The Trad Wife round up:

    Glasses of wine: 3
    Dreams crushed: potentially 1
    Yorkshire puddings eaten: 3
    Trad-Wifedom: appealing

  • Day 39: Comfort

    I wasn’t bored

    Wake up, can of Monster, Duolingo. 

    Clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, put on a load of washing. 

    Dusting, hoovering, take down the recycling. 

    Hang up the washing, start cooking, watch an hour of a crime documentary. 

    I don’t think I need to write more than that. It’s my routine, you’ve probably heard about it enough by now, it’s been 39 days. 

    But unlike Tuesday, I wasn’t bored today. Maybe my playlist was better? Maybe I had a more interesting documentary on in the background? Maybe I was just not dwelling on the future? Whatever it was, I had a nice day. 

    I sat down at 1pm and ate a cheese toastie in front of the TV. 

    Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

    It’s about the little things 

    Over the last few weeks, I’ve realised that it’s often the small things that make a good Trad home. So, here’s some of the small things I now do:

    I light a candle or incense stick about an hour before my husband gets home from work. Then the house smells lovely, but not overwhelming. 

    I try to make sure I’ve got a good stock of my husband’s favourite drinks, and keep them chilled in the fridge. I have failed at this a couple of times, but as a couple we get through in excess of 25 bottles of apple and raspberry fizzy water a week. It’s hard to keep up. It’s excessive, we know.

    Even if I’m not leaving the house, I spritz myself with perfume. When I kiss my husband at the door he immediately smells something familiar, at the moment it’s Jo Malone English pear and freesia. Although, today he told me I smell like a pie crust. I guess that’s a compliment. I think.

    I make sure the prep for dinner and cleaning is done at least 20 minutes before my husband is due home. Then I can sit and relax for a little bit, so I’m not flustered or in the middle of something when he gets back. It means he can have my full attention, without distraction if he wants to talk about his day. 

    Doing these little things, change it from me just doing the cooking and cleaning, to putting thought into little acts that make the home a lovely place to be. 

    It’s nice, this life is nice. There’s only a few days left of the experiment, but I imagine there’s lots of things that will continue. Or maybe, I’ll get another corporate job, work long hours, and stress drink wine. I’m undecided, still lost, and still finding myself. And still in a good way.

    Photo by Elina Fairytale on Pexels.com

    It’s not Italian food for once 

    I made a tapas style dinner, not 100% traditionally Spanish, but small things and lots of them: crispy chicken wings, tortilla Espanola, stuffed mushrooms, patatas bravas, broccoli with black pepper and butter, steak pasties and what my husband likes to call his ‘Famous hot hotdogs’ don’t ask about that one. 

    We ate dinner, while watching The Office and Somebody Feed Phil. 

    It’s just been a day of routine, comfort and warmth. 

    The Trad Wife round up:

    Bottles of fizzy water: 3 for me, 1 for my husband
    Hours cooking and cleaning: 6.5
    Current fragrance: I think English Pear and Freesia, my husband thinks pie crust
    Feeling: Comfortable and warm

  • Day 38: Baking, baby birds and brisket

    The world is talking to me 

    Today is my first day officially unemployed, and I think the world is trying to tell me something. 

    I sat in bed chatting to my husband, and our family group WhatsApp was pinging in the background about my brother’s well deserved new job. I’m really proud of him, getting to a management level in a big company isn’t easy. Then I started my daily Duolingo practice and today’s lesson is all about explaining your job. 

    We had our kiss at the door and I went back to bed to continue my Italian practice for an hour or so with my can of Monster. I’ve nailed saying “I am a doctor and it’s interesting but not easy.” Another useful phrase for the repertoire. I didn’t learn to say “I’m unemployed” though.

    I got up and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. While I was bleaching the toilet I got an email through about getting my CV professionally reviewed. Today is definitely hinting at something. I feel like I’m being pushed out of the nest too early. I have one wing that’s taking me east to Teams meetings and new initiatives, and one west to domesticity. If I leave the nest now I’ll just fly in circles and quite possibly be eaten by a cat. 

    My mum was due round at midday, so I jumped in the shower and left the rest of the cleaning and tidying for the afternoon. 

    Photo by 42 North on Pexels.com

    A very Trad afternoon 

    My mum and I went out to get lunch in our favourite dive bar: brisket fries again for me, and mushroom tacos and salad for mum. We were going to spend the afternoon baking, so we chatted about what we were going to make. We decided on each making a quiche, a very traditional and apt thing to make. I also decided to make some arancini for my brother to celebrate his promotion. 

    We picked up ingredients from M&S. The public seemed weird today, people just seemed off. I’ve found that shopping has been less stressful recently, as I’m never out at peak times, everything moves slower and people have time to chat. But we must have been at the shop during an office lunch break, as everything felt rushed and agitated. 

    Back at home in the kitchen we started our mother, daughter, baking afternoon. My mum lost her confidence in cooking and it’s just starting to return now she’s retired. I imagine that can easily happen when you’re a single mum, working as a Deputy Head teacher and trying to feed two horrible teenagers. Who would have the energy to cook up more than a stir fry when as soon as your back is turned your daughter’s skipped school and invited all the neighbourhood goths round to drink White Lightening? She’s good, my mum is. Very forgiving, and very good.

    We had a nice role reversal, where I was advising her and she was happily baking. I handed her the butter “I’d put some more butter in.” I washed the mixing bowl, “Are you planning on greasing the oven dish with butter or olive oil?” She said neither, I handed her the olive oil. “Do you need some seasoning?” I put the salt and pepper down next to her.

    My mum sat on a little blue stool in the middle of the kitchen eagerly watching her quiche cook through my very clean oven door. 

    The quiche looks great, she took it home to have for her dinner.

    Photo by Son Tung Tran on Pexels.com

    Enjoyment

    My husband briefly came home, took some co-codamol for a headache, packed a bag, and got back in the car to drive up to a job in the Midlands somewhere.

    That used to be both of us. Just two stressed out people, in a somewhat messy house. The experiment has made a lot of things better. He feels looked after, I feel happy. I’m not ready to leave the nest. I’m lucky, I’ve got a few months to work out what I want to do. I’ll make sure everything is lovely for when he walks in the door tomorrow, I think he might need it.

    My brother messaged and said he enjoyed the arancini. My mum messaged and said she enjoyed the quiche. I sat down and had a glass of wine and some cheese, I enjoyed today.

    The Trad Wife round up:

    Eggs used: 8
    My mum’s rating on her quiche: “It was delicious! I’m amazed!”
    Favourite Italian word: coinquilina
    Duvet Tog: Upped from a summer 4, to an autumn 7.5

  • Day 37: The day was long

    The final day 

    Today was my last payday. When I wake up tomorrow I will be unemployed. I have no idea how I’m meant to feel about this, or how I do feel about it. But I do know, I can’t lose my point streak, so I spent an hour learning Italian on Duolingo, and successfully avoided my thoughts. 

    I kissed my husband at the door, cleaned the kitchen, and successfully continued avoiding my thoughts. I then sat and watched a documentary for half an hour, successfully avoiding my thoughts. An hour later I did a couple of loads of washing, cleaned the rest of the flat and continued avoiding my thoughts. 

    Clearly, I haven’t avoided my thoughts. It doesn’t matter how busy I make myself, today is the last day I’m employed. I can’t change that. I can, however, dust every skirting board in the flat, so that’s something.

    Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

    Today was long 

    I looked at the time on my phone no less than 50 times today. Every time, a matter of a few minutes had passed. I did a task I was sure would take 30 minutes, it took 7. I did another task, 5 minutes had passed. Fuck. 

    Today was long. 

    I tried to do good Trad Wife things. I spent the day making the home so inviting. But that doesn’t take a day, does it? 

    As it was the final payday, I got me and my husband a final treat, and ordered the food for dinner from Waitrose rather than Tesco’s. 

    I can make a good dinner, that will take time. I can do something fancy. Something to make me feel useful. 

    Today was long. 

    Photo by Mike on Pexels.com

    Being a good Trad Wife

    I met my husband at the door with a kiss. I then asked him if he needed or wanted anything. He didn’t. So, I just finished making dinner. 

    Dinner was great. It often is now. I still love cooking, but if every dinner is 10/10, nothing is special anymore. But it was great: pan fried chicken breast, on buttered leeks and roasted swede, with lemon broccoli, cauliflower cheese and roasted parsnips. The day was long. All I have to share and say is what we had for dinner. The day was long.

    I was a good Trad Wife today. My husband came back from work to a lovely home, with a lovely wife, and had a lovely dinner. I’ve even made a lemon drizzle cake at the same time as dinner, and wrapped it for him to take to work tomorrow.

    I don’t want to go back to the level of stress that made me a far from the ideal wife, friend and daughter. But I was bored today. The level of boredom I was worried I would face.

    Tomorrow I’ll be officially unemployed. I imagine I’ll have some kind of feeling about that. 

    The Trad Wife round up:

    Checked the time: 80+ times
    Hours spent cleaning: 5
    Current Duolingo level: 11
    Unemployed officially: Tomorrow

  • Day 36: …and my husband turned 36

    The presents thing 

    Over the last few weeks, I’ve been trying my best to make my husband’s home life as easy, warm and full of love as possible. But today is his birthday, so what can I do to make him feel special? 

    I didn’t organise anything extravagant or social media worthy. I hate the ‘Presents thing’ on Facebook or Insta, where someone shares a picture with a pile of presents with ‘The hubby/wifey done good’ as the caption. I’m trying to be less judgemental, but this particular modern trend still makes me feel sick. It’s a shameless display of wealth, or just as likely, credit card debt. Maybe there’s a positive reason to do it, I just can’t see what that might be. 

    So, I won’t write a list of my husband’s presents, I’ll just say that I tried to buy some things that showed I cared and listened, and I think he liked them. 

    After presents, cans of Monster, and Duolingo practice, we headed out to see my in-laws for breakfast. 

    Photo by Vlada Karpovich on Pexels.com

    A birthday day 

    We left a little early to walk round the charity shops before breakfast. No great finds today. It was still a nice way to start the day though. 

    It was a classic millennial couple and in-laws breakfast, with avocado on toast, eggs Benedict and almost everyone having a side of halloumi. We chatted generally for an hour or so and then the two of us headed into town. 

    Photo by Nicola Barts on Pexels.com

    For the day I put together a ‘Birthday choice wheel’ on an app on my phone. I listed a bunch of things we could do and my husband got to spin the wheel, then we did whatever it said. 

    • Spin 1: Shuffleboard. I won. It was close. Maybe I should have let him win, with it being his birthday? Nah. 
    • Spin 2: Kisses. Self explanatory. 
    • Spin 3: 2p machines and arcade games. We ended up with two lollipops, one key chain, two rubber ducks and a reasonably large Hello Kitty plush. 
    • Spin 4: Mini golf. I didn’t win. It wasn’t close. I’m not good at mini golf, but we had a good time. 
    • Spin 5: Kisses. Still self explanatory.
    • Spin 6: A bag of sweets. We went to an overpriced American sweet shop and got pic and mix and some Milk Duds. 
    • Spin 7: Kisses. I put this one in a few times.
    • Spin 8: Cocktails and chat. We went to The Ivy, had a cocktail, a glass of champagne and some delicious sourdough bread and butter. 

    I think my husband liked the choice wheel birthday. It meant we ended up wandering around town just doing a bit of everything and enjoying each other’s company. 

    We then headed back home in a taxi, to relax for a couple of hours before going out for dinner with friends. 

    Photo by Rachel Claire on Pexels.com

    I used to know that feeling

    At dinner, the food was OK, but the company was great. Actually, my broccoli was great, and for my husband’s food, OK maybe a little generous. We had a lovely time though, catching up over mocktails and flavourless mac and cheese.

    On the way back home I asked my husband “Do you feel relaxed and ready to go back to work tomorrow, now you’ve had a few days off?” His answer, “No.” I used to know that feeling. 

    Tomorrow I’ll do my Trad Wife best to make a welcoming home for my husband to come back to.

    The Trad Wife round up:

    Number of the day: 36
    Spins of the wheel: 8
    Feeling: Content
    Tomorrow’s plan? Be the best Goddamn Trad Wife I can be

  • Day 35: What’s next?

    Sleep works

    Between midday yesterday, and this morning, I’d slept for 13 hours. It seems to have worked, I woke up and the migraine had gone.

    My husband and I started the day, each with a can of Monster in hand, each talking at our phones at the infuriating owl on Duolingo. I’m nailing Italian. I’ve reached level 10, which means I can now say “I need to go to the market for 3 black shirts and 2 new skirts, but only if there is a sale.” This one might actually come in handy. 

    My husband went to play something or other on the PlayStation and I started the morning cleaning while watching ‘Don’t Fuck with Cats’. I’ve seen it before, but it has a clear message ‘non scherzare con i gatti’. 

    There were lots of WhatsApps going back and forward about going out tonight or tomorrow for my husband’s birthday. I’d offered different options: people can come round and get a takeaway, I’ll make dinner, we can go out. It turned out some of our friends had already made plans. I feel guilty about this, maybe a good Trad Wife would have known what her husband would like and just have organised it, rather than waiting for her husband to decide. 

    It’s all worked out though, we’re all free to go to dinner tomorrow night. I still think I could have done something to make it special though.

    We got ready and headed out to meet our friends for lunch. 

    Photo by Mustafa ezz on Pexels.com

    Naming a non-existent cat

    On the way to meet our friends my husband and I discussed names for a cat, that we don’t have, don’t yet plan on adopting, and may not even want. Our ideas differ. I want to call this non-existent cat ‘Lord Portalington III’, my husband wants to call it ‘Booker’. I’m right, and he’ll come around, if we ever do get a cat. 

    We met our friends at a local bar, and between us, ordered at least 8 deep fried items. We talked about Disney, trains, work, and learning languages. My friend is on level 19 of Japanese. We used to do a similar job. I never had the brain space to learn other things while working, she can. She’s impressive. We have an affinity of ‘Working class girls, done good.’ With a bit of advice here or there, she’s probably supported me more than she knows.

    After lunch we headed back home. We stopped at Tesco on the way as I needed butter, self raising flour, and eggs. My husband said “Please don’t make me a birthday cake.” I said I wasn’t. He said “It looks like it”. He’s right, it does look like it. I planned on baking things, just not a cake. 

    Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.com

    I didn’t bake a cake

    When we got back, I banned my husband from the kitchen so I could bake. It’s not a cake. Our flat is semi open plan, the kitchen is separated, but doesn’t have a door. I stood at the entrance to the kitchen growling every time he came near. It’s not a cake. I baked for a couple of hours, I’ve bought him some cute containers as part of his birthday present and I wanted to fill them with baked goods. But it’s not a cake. 

    I went and sat in the bedroom and watched another murder documentary, this time on the Yorkshire Ripper. I watch a lot of crime documentaries, I’m just interested in the psychology of it. I’m not currently planning on killing anyone. Unless someone disrespects my baking, of course.

    Photo by Markus Spiske on Pexels.com

    What’s next? 

    A thought that’s been bouncing around in my head for the last few days is “What’s next?” There’s a week left of this experiment. Then what? I just go back into the corporate world I guess. 

    I’m not sure I want that. 

    I’ll do it though, I probably have to. I’ve always enjoyed my work, but, is it my passion? I don’t know. I’ve never questioned it before. I loved what I did, genuinely. 

    What if I want to open a cafe? What if I want to write? What if I want to be a full time Trad Wife? But, who am I trying to convince, I need to bring money in. I’ll start looking for jobs in a week or so, and work in another big company. And I’ll almost certainly like it. And I’m sure I’ll be good at it. I’m unsure about a lot of things, my abilities at work is one of the few things I don’t doubt. That sounds really arrogant, doesn’t it? 

    I’ll keep pondering on what’s next. But for now, I’ll sit in one room watching a murder documentary, while my husband is in another on the PlayStation.

    The Trad Wife round up:

    Feeling: lost again, more thoughtfully than good lost or bad lost
    Secret baked goods eaten without my husband noticing: 4
    Crime documentaries watched: 3
    What’s next? Hell knows

  • Day 34: Another migraine

    A short blog.

    Migraine. Pizza. Sleep.

  • Day 33: Relationships, sometimes beautiful, but not always

    Today

    I don’t have a lot to say. I think I’ve been a good Trad Wife. My husband is off work today and we had a nice day. I’d cleaned half the flat while he was still snoozing, then I woke him up with a kiss. We went out for lunch, went shopping, saw my mum, and later I made a taco dinner. Homemade corn tortillas, obviously. 

    Being in such a stable and loving relationship makes me think of the ones that came before. So that’s what I’ll share today. 

    Photo by Chitokan C. on Pexels.com

    The visitor 

    My last relationship before my husband, I class as ‘The visitor’. It was loving, passionate, fun, but not real. We travelled a lot together, ate in five star restaurants all around Europe. He was charismatic, and brought the attention of any room he entered.

    I loved him. I don’t regret a moment of it. But he didn’t bring out the best in me. My husband does. With ‘The visitor’, I was always ‘His girlfriend’ and I don’t think I was ever myself. I was trying to live up to what was good enough for him. 

    He asked my dad permission to propose. We’d broken up within a month. I left our joint home for a few days so he could move out. When I came back, I realised nothing had changed. He didn’t own anything in it, what I thought was ‘our’ place, was mine. He was only ever a guest. I didn’t see it then, I did after. 

    Breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to me. I became who I am in the aftermath of that heartbreak. 

    Photo by Daniel Frank on Pexels.com

    The chef 

    I’m not sure how far I want to to go with this one. Let’s see. He was horrible. But it was ‘Us against the world’. When he was good, he was great. When he was bad, he was fucking awful.

    We loved each other. It was passionate. But he was damaged. We’re all damaged to some extent, but he was damaged to a greater degree. None of this excuses his behaviour. 

    He hurt me mentally. He hurt me physically. But it was us against the world. I forgave a lot. I’ll never forget him making dinner for my grandparents, and I’ll never forget us getting dressed up and going out dancing. But I’ll also never forget my friends just closing the door when they saw him abusing me. I don’t speak to those friends anymore.

    There’s a lot I could say here about feminism, spousal abuse, damaged people and pain. But, I’m not going to dissect it here.

    I left. That’s all that matters.

    Photo by Malidate Van on Pexels.com

    The others 

    There were a lot of others. I’ve lived with other partners. I’ve been in love with others. There have been one night stands, flings, romances and whatever else one can have. A lot of it, was a lot of fun.

    Some good, some bad. It all leads you to where you are. I know what I want: honesty, friendship, harmony. I know what I don’t want: drugs, infidelity, chaos. Knowing this, meant when I met my husband I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I didn’t. 

    The husband

    I love him. Totally. It’s not fireworks everyday. It’s not us against the world. It’s a quiet love. A real love. And I can’t imagine living a single day without him.

    The Trad Wife round up:

    Tacos: 8 between us
    Relationships: numerous and always a learning experience
    Movie watched tonight: Your Name
    Love: Never regretted